There is no such thing as a bad child – only a child who feels bad…

This is a phrase that has stayed with me for many years… and not just in the context of ADHD.

For several years now, I’ve been working with children.

But especially since becoming a mother myself, I try to remind myself of this phrase every single day.

Every time I encounter negative behavior, I try to read between the lines. To step into that child’s shoes and understand what might be the motive…

My dear sister (Sarit Yerushalmi), who is a CBT therapist, taught me that we operate according to the principle of "E.M.E.T" – Event leads to Thought.

The thought triggers emotion, and the emotion triggers a response/action.

If in every situation (even as adults), we pause for a moment before reacting and try to change our approach or way of thinking, we will undoubtedly achieve a different outcome.

The same goes for children.

They are much more impulsive.

They usually don’t think several steps ahead.

This is something that can be taught to them.

How many times have you told them to count to 10 before reacting?! It might delay the reaction… sometimes calm them down. But a child takes instructions literally… they count to 10.

When in fact, it’s better to teach them to pause… and try to think differently… to try to see the situation from a different perspective and thereby act in a more positive way…

Does it sound complicated?! Not really…

Children learn from experience.

From my experience with Matan, who, due to all the challenges I’ve mentioned before, struggles with anger management, one of the things I’ve adopted is analyzing a situation after it happens, and I’ll give an example to explain…

Matan came home from school angry and withdrawn. At the same time, I received an update from the teacher that Matan was very upset following an argument with a classmate and that Matan had acted violently…

Since he came home agitated, I told him I would talk to him about it later in the afternoon when I had time and when he had calmed down in the meantime.

He agreed.

In the afternoon, Matan tearfully told me what had happened in class. He said that the other child laughed at him, insulted him, called him names, and constantly provoked him… The teacher wasn’t in the classroom when it happened…

Matan lost his temper and threw a writing tool at the child…

At this point, I explained to him that throwing an object at a friend could result in injury, and worse than that…

And we tried to imagine what would have happened if…

What would have happened if, when the child started "bothering" him, he had left the classroom and turned to the teacher for help…

And then he said that the teacher would have been angry at the other child and not at him…

In fact, he understood that it was in his hands to change the ending of the story…

The moment he used violence, he "got in trouble"… and rightly so…

And the other child got away unscathed and would likely continue to bother him in the future…

This is how I act every time a social situation arises at home, in class, or in kindergarten…

You need to reflect the situation back to them and put them on the outside looking in…

This is how they learn to behave differently…

To change the ending of the story to a positive one…

As an adult, I suggest to each and every one of us, when dealing with children, to read between the lines… Every behavior has something behind it… an emotion that is triggered…

Sometimes it stems from anger, insecurity, the need to hide, or the need for attention.

Try to identify the need… Once it is met, the behavior will change significantly…

A child who feels good doesn’t behave "badly"…

With love…

Ilana